Post by sparacus on Feb 21, 2023 5:37:28 GMT -5
Ok folks, here is a one-off story featuring Ben Chatham Adventures character Barry Tuck:
"Barry Tuck's Night of Adventure"
It had been a quiet night in the Mermaid Wine Bar, Cambridge, and Barry Tuck was eager to go home, despite there being two more hours to go before the bar closed at 11pm. A young straight couple were taking forever to finish their vegan lasagnas while in the corner a group of students were nattering away and finishing their pints. Barry strode over to the bell behind the bar and gave it a loud ring:
"Right last orders. Any more for booze? And get 'em down yer necks quickly as I've had enough and want to get home to a date with me right hand."
One of the students, a young man with curly hair and glasses approached the bar:
"Three more pints of Abbot Ale please." Barry scowled and pulled the first pint. The student took a sip and winced:
"Hey mate that's off. I'll have the Ghost Ship instead". Barry belched:
"Bollocks. There ain't nothing wrong with my booze. Drink what yer given or sling yer hook, speccy boy".
"You can't talk to me like that. I want to see the manager", the student replied. Barry laughed:
"He ain't here, you four-eyed tosspot. I'll tell you what, why don't you and your mates ¤¤¤¤ off before I give you a knuckle sandwich. Go on, sling your hook".
The student went over to the others and they picked up their coats and made for the door. The bespectacled youth turned towards Barry:
"I'm going to formally complain about this. I have anxiety and your threatening behavior has really triggered me." Barry laughed:
"Yeah right. Anxiety, a poncy middle class word for bone ¤¤¤¤ing idle. Bugger off".
Barry poured himself a pint and downed it in one before belching loudly and going over to the young couple. The girl was picking at her food and eating each piece of rocket separately. Barry laughed:
"Come on gel, get it down yer faster than that or I'll be stuck here all night". The girl gave him a look of disdain:
"I have found you to be totally rude tonight and I will complain about that comment you made about my figure earlier."
Barry laughed and gave the man a nudge, whispering:
"Hey, I don't envy you having to deal with vinegar tits here. Still I bed she's a cracker between the sheets". The man stood up:
"How dare you. Daphne, we are leaving as I'm not prepared to let you be insulted any more". Barry laughed:
"Oh for ¤¤¤¤s sake, its only a bit of banter mate. Jesus wept".
The couple left without paying and Barry laughed to himself before pouring himself a double whisky to finish the night off.
"Barman's perks", he muttered with a grin as he downed the scotch. As he did so, he heard a commotion outside. He went outside, lighting a cigarette, and say two men threatening the young couple with a crowbar. The couple's expensive car had its window smashed in. Barry laughed:
"Hey Spud, Lazzo, what's up?" Lazzo, a tall skinny man with sunken cheeks, grinned:
"Hey Baz, were were just trying to break into this tosser's car when he caught us.". Barry chuckled:
"Good, the bastard hasn't paid for his grub. I recon we should take his car in compensation." The others laughed as they jumped in the car, followed by Barry, who got behind the wheel. The girl nudged her boyfriend hard in the ribs:
"Well do something. They're stealing our car!" Barry laughed again:
"Too late love. We're off to find some birds and to do the ton on the A12. See yers".
Barry zoomed off and they drove at speed through the Cambridge streets, stopping at a kebab shop for some food. Spud, a large man with thick, greasy black hair and a ruddy complexion, returned with three kebabs. Barry took a look at his and grumbled:
"Where's me chilli sauce? You know I can't eat me kebab without chilli sauce Spuddo". Spud took the kebab back to the shop and as he went in two young women were passing the car. Barry lent out the window:
"Hey up, how about you birds coming for a ride with us? We're gonna do the ton on the A12. We'll buy you kebabs plus me mate Lazzo here has an eight inch member."
The girls frowned:
"No way, you're both dead ugly". Barry belched:
"Your loss love".
Spud returned with Barry's kebab and they sat munching them in the car. Lazzo became philosophical:
"'Ere why do you think we don't get many birds? I mean we're three guys who like a laugh and ain't bad looking. Plus I've got an eight inch member".
Barry munched his kebab:
"You can't beat chilli sauce on a kebab. Anyway, its like this, birds like to be chatted up right. And we ain't got time for the preliminaries as we're working guys. That's all it is. We need to perfect our preliminaries." Spud stared into space:
"That's really deep. You're a genius Baz".
They finished the kebabs, then Barry sped off out of Cambridge and down a narrow lane towards the A12 turning. He zig zagged all over the road for a laugh before turning at speed onto the A12.
"Right lads, lets do the ton", Barry shouted, before revving up the engine and speeding along the road until they hit 100 miles per hour. They were all shouting and leaning out of the open windows, throwing out the kebab wrappers. Eventually they slowed down and turned down a side road and drove into the village of Shenerton. Barry screeched the car to a halt outside the Nags Head pub. They jumped out of the car and went into the pub, striding up to the bar.
"Ere mate, where's the bog? I'm about to wet myself", Barry exclaimed. Rick Norton, the landlord, frowned:
"Its over there on the left."
"Good. And pull us three pints while we're 'avin a slash", Barry shouted. As he spoke, a woman approached him:
"Excuse me, but I am Dorothy Squires, the Chair of the Shenerton Womens' Institute. I distinctly saw you driving that car out of the window and yet you reek of alcohol. I will be reporting this to the authorities". Barry looked offended:
"Hey come on Mrs. Me and me mates 'ave just done the ton on the A12. We're just three lads out for a laugh. Hows about we buy you a gin and say no more about it." He turned to Spud and Lazzo:
"Just our luck lads. The only bird in here and its some old dragon."
Dorothy frowned:
"You will not ply me with alcohol. You are a danger on the roads. I will be ringing PC Willets. Plus a nice gentleman called Mr Chatham may be joining me for a drink and he's an investigator you know." Barry laughed:
"Well blow me down. You mean Ben Chatham. I know him and do a bit of work for the geezer. It all goes to show lads, its a small world and life is for livin'." Spud stared into space:
"That's really deep. You're a genius Baz."
- THE END
"Barry Tuck's Night of Adventure"
It had been a quiet night in the Mermaid Wine Bar, Cambridge, and Barry Tuck was eager to go home, despite there being two more hours to go before the bar closed at 11pm. A young straight couple were taking forever to finish their vegan lasagnas while in the corner a group of students were nattering away and finishing their pints. Barry strode over to the bell behind the bar and gave it a loud ring:
"Right last orders. Any more for booze? And get 'em down yer necks quickly as I've had enough and want to get home to a date with me right hand."
One of the students, a young man with curly hair and glasses approached the bar:
"Three more pints of Abbot Ale please." Barry scowled and pulled the first pint. The student took a sip and winced:
"Hey mate that's off. I'll have the Ghost Ship instead". Barry belched:
"Bollocks. There ain't nothing wrong with my booze. Drink what yer given or sling yer hook, speccy boy".
"You can't talk to me like that. I want to see the manager", the student replied. Barry laughed:
"He ain't here, you four-eyed tosspot. I'll tell you what, why don't you and your mates ¤¤¤¤ off before I give you a knuckle sandwich. Go on, sling your hook".
The student went over to the others and they picked up their coats and made for the door. The bespectacled youth turned towards Barry:
"I'm going to formally complain about this. I have anxiety and your threatening behavior has really triggered me." Barry laughed:
"Yeah right. Anxiety, a poncy middle class word for bone ¤¤¤¤ing idle. Bugger off".
Barry poured himself a pint and downed it in one before belching loudly and going over to the young couple. The girl was picking at her food and eating each piece of rocket separately. Barry laughed:
"Come on gel, get it down yer faster than that or I'll be stuck here all night". The girl gave him a look of disdain:
"I have found you to be totally rude tonight and I will complain about that comment you made about my figure earlier."
Barry laughed and gave the man a nudge, whispering:
"Hey, I don't envy you having to deal with vinegar tits here. Still I bed she's a cracker between the sheets". The man stood up:
"How dare you. Daphne, we are leaving as I'm not prepared to let you be insulted any more". Barry laughed:
"Oh for ¤¤¤¤s sake, its only a bit of banter mate. Jesus wept".
The couple left without paying and Barry laughed to himself before pouring himself a double whisky to finish the night off.
"Barman's perks", he muttered with a grin as he downed the scotch. As he did so, he heard a commotion outside. He went outside, lighting a cigarette, and say two men threatening the young couple with a crowbar. The couple's expensive car had its window smashed in. Barry laughed:
"Hey Spud, Lazzo, what's up?" Lazzo, a tall skinny man with sunken cheeks, grinned:
"Hey Baz, were were just trying to break into this tosser's car when he caught us.". Barry chuckled:
"Good, the bastard hasn't paid for his grub. I recon we should take his car in compensation." The others laughed as they jumped in the car, followed by Barry, who got behind the wheel. The girl nudged her boyfriend hard in the ribs:
"Well do something. They're stealing our car!" Barry laughed again:
"Too late love. We're off to find some birds and to do the ton on the A12. See yers".
Barry zoomed off and they drove at speed through the Cambridge streets, stopping at a kebab shop for some food. Spud, a large man with thick, greasy black hair and a ruddy complexion, returned with three kebabs. Barry took a look at his and grumbled:
"Where's me chilli sauce? You know I can't eat me kebab without chilli sauce Spuddo". Spud took the kebab back to the shop and as he went in two young women were passing the car. Barry lent out the window:
"Hey up, how about you birds coming for a ride with us? We're gonna do the ton on the A12. We'll buy you kebabs plus me mate Lazzo here has an eight inch member."
The girls frowned:
"No way, you're both dead ugly". Barry belched:
"Your loss love".
Spud returned with Barry's kebab and they sat munching them in the car. Lazzo became philosophical:
"'Ere why do you think we don't get many birds? I mean we're three guys who like a laugh and ain't bad looking. Plus I've got an eight inch member".
Barry munched his kebab:
"You can't beat chilli sauce on a kebab. Anyway, its like this, birds like to be chatted up right. And we ain't got time for the preliminaries as we're working guys. That's all it is. We need to perfect our preliminaries." Spud stared into space:
"That's really deep. You're a genius Baz".
They finished the kebabs, then Barry sped off out of Cambridge and down a narrow lane towards the A12 turning. He zig zagged all over the road for a laugh before turning at speed onto the A12.
"Right lads, lets do the ton", Barry shouted, before revving up the engine and speeding along the road until they hit 100 miles per hour. They were all shouting and leaning out of the open windows, throwing out the kebab wrappers. Eventually they slowed down and turned down a side road and drove into the village of Shenerton. Barry screeched the car to a halt outside the Nags Head pub. They jumped out of the car and went into the pub, striding up to the bar.
"Ere mate, where's the bog? I'm about to wet myself", Barry exclaimed. Rick Norton, the landlord, frowned:
"Its over there on the left."
"Good. And pull us three pints while we're 'avin a slash", Barry shouted. As he spoke, a woman approached him:
"Excuse me, but I am Dorothy Squires, the Chair of the Shenerton Womens' Institute. I distinctly saw you driving that car out of the window and yet you reek of alcohol. I will be reporting this to the authorities". Barry looked offended:
"Hey come on Mrs. Me and me mates 'ave just done the ton on the A12. We're just three lads out for a laugh. Hows about we buy you a gin and say no more about it." He turned to Spud and Lazzo:
"Just our luck lads. The only bird in here and its some old dragon."
Dorothy frowned:
"You will not ply me with alcohol. You are a danger on the roads. I will be ringing PC Willets. Plus a nice gentleman called Mr Chatham may be joining me for a drink and he's an investigator you know." Barry laughed:
"Well blow me down. You mean Ben Chatham. I know him and do a bit of work for the geezer. It all goes to show lads, its a small world and life is for livin'." Spud stared into space:
"That's really deep. You're a genius Baz."
- THE END