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Post by sparacus on Oct 10, 2012 14:52:58 GMT -5
Post your jokes here folks!  |
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Post by sparacus on Oct 10, 2012 15:12:45 GMT -5
Poor old Joe was down on his luck. Kicked out of his flat for not paying the rent, he wandered down to the old alley near the railway station where the down & outs hung out and saw a bunch of scabby old men huddled round a little bonfire shivering and passing a meths bottle round. One of them looked up: "Ere you comin to join us?" "Yeah I suppose so" said Joe, "I'll just go behind those bins over there for a dump first though, I'm burstin for one." The tramps all started grunting and growling and one of them made a fist at Joe. "Whats wrong?" Joe asked. "You can't just crap anywhere mate. This ere is our 'ome. We takes pride in it." "Well where can I do it?" Joe asked. "In our toilet, like a gent" the tramp replied. Swigging the meths he got up and bekoned Joe to come with him. Walking round the back of the alley the tramp led Joe through a broken fence to a piece of waste ground. There he saw two huge mounds of human faeces with flies buzzing round them. The stench was foul. Joe held his nose: "You mean I have to climb up there and do it?" "Yeah" said the tramp. "Oh well, When in Rome...." Joe thought to himself and scambled to the top of a mound, his feet sinking into the dung. At the top he dropped his trousers and crounched down however thetramp went ballistic and started shouting and grunting. "Whats wrong now? I'm doing what you asked" Joe said. "You're sitting on the ladies....."  |
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Post by sparacus on Oct 10, 2012 15:19:54 GMT -5
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: 12 One to change the bulb and eleven to hold a discussion forum to discuss the patriarchal implications of the term "unscrew". |
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Post by sparacus on Oct 10, 2012 15:32:42 GMT -5
Its the 18th century and young Ned the cabin boy has been captured by pirates. He's taken to see their Captain who has an eye patch and a hook. "How did you lose your hand?" he asked. Said the pirate "I lost it in a swordfight." "Oh! Is that how you lost your eye? " asked Ned "No, I lost that the day I looked up and a seagull crapped in my eye." replied the pirate. "I didn't know that would put someone's eye out!" said Ned. The pirate Captain said "It won't, that was the first day I had my hook!" |
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Post by sparacus on Oct 10, 2012 15:39:58 GMT -5
Mr and Mrs Jones were enjoying beans on toast for breakfast before Mr Jones left for work in their car. A few hours later the doorbell went. It was the police. "We are very sorry to have to tell you this, but your husband is dead. He had a heart attack after arriving at the office this morning" the policeman said. Mrs Jones looked shocked: "I can hardly believe it.... he was full of beans earlier......" |
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Post by sparacus on Oct 10, 2012 15:50:49 GMT -5
Mr Rhys-Miles is on a business trip and he phones home to talk to his much younger wife Janet. The maid answers the phone. "Can I speak to my wife please" he asks. "No, i'm afraid she's in bed with her lover at the moment so she can't come to the phone" the maid answers. Mr Rhys-Miles is shocked and upset. "That.... that bitch.... hmmm...would you like to earn a quick hundred thousand pounds?" he asked the maid. "Ere yes please, I'm like skint at the mo". "Right then, take my shotgun out of the shed and go upstairs and shoot them both." "Sorted. (exit maid) (two distant bangs)(maid returns presently) "Ok, i've done that, where can I dispose of the bodies?" "Bury them in the back garden, by the pool." "What pool? "Er... is this" (0181) 277 8351? " |
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Post by sparacus on Oct 10, 2012 15:53:00 GMT -5
A horse walks into the pub, goes up to the bar and orders a drink. "Why the long face?" the barman asks....... |
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Post by sparacus on Oct 10, 2012 16:00:41 GMT -5
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing. The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either." |
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Post by sparacus on Oct 10, 2012 16:04:55 GMT -5
St Peter stood at the gates of heaven and it's about that time of the day when all the people entering have to have died tragic deaths. The first bloke steps up and when asked to tell his story he says: 'I came home early from work and my wife was wearing a silky black neglige and there were two glasses of champagne on the coffee table in our flat. I then saw that there was a bloke hanging over the balcony and so I naturally lost my temper, went out there and started hammering his fingers until he eventually let go and fell 17 floors to the ground. Some bushes broke his fall though and he was still alive, so I saw red and went and grabbed the refridgerator from inside and dropped it on his head, killing him. Unfortunately the effort of carrying the refridgerator caused me to have a heart attack and die.' St Peter says 'Ok, that's a tragic death, in you go.' Second bloke steps up and says: 'I was pruning my hardy perenials out on the balcony of my 18th floor flat when suddenly I tripped and fell off. Luckily I managed to catch hold of the 17th floor balcony and was about to climb in when suddenly this guy came out and started hammering on my fingers causing me to let go. Some shrubbery broke my fall by a million to one chance and just as I thought I was safe, I was cut off in the prime of my life by a falling fridge!' St Peters says 'That's one of the most unfortunate tales i've ever heard, you can enter the kingdom of heaven.' Next bloke steps up and says: 'you're never going to believe this, but I was hiding stark naked in a fridge when suddenly....' |
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Post by sparacus on Oct 10, 2012 16:07:30 GMT -5
Two northern blokes are sat in a pub talking about their teenage sons. The first one says 'I just can't seem to get my two to stop swearing. They're the most foul-mouthed individuals i've ever come across.' The second bloke says: 'I've got a fool-proof way of dealing with that. Every time my kids swore I used to give 'em a reet good kicking' 'And that worked?' 'Every time!' So the first bloke goes home and decides to follow his mate's example. Sure enough, the next day, his two sons come downstairs for breakfast and the first one says 'I'll have some ****ing cornflakes today please, dad.' So his dad belts him around the kitchen with frying pan and eventually an ambulance comes along and takes him off to intensive care . Anyway, Then the bloke says to his other son 'So what do you want for your breakfast?' And his other son says 'I don't know. But i'd have to be a right daft **** to ask for cornflakes wouldn't I?' |
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Post by sparacus on Oct 10, 2012 16:18:35 GMT -5
Jim Smith walked into the Dog & Gun sweating, shaking and crying. His mate Dave went up to him and asked what was up. "I've finally done it.... I came home from work and caught my wife in bed with another bloke. This is the third time its happened and I just snapped. I let him leg it out the window then I done her in...." Dave was shocked. "Ok Jim, I'll help you. You haven't told anyone else have you?" "No." "And you cleaned up?" "Sort of. I Buried her in the back garden then came straight here for a brandy." "Ok Jim, I'd better go back home with you and make sure you left no obvious evidence". They left the Dog and Gun and went round to Jim's house. "You'd better show me where you buried her" Dave said. jim showed him round the back of the house and Dave gasped with shock as he saw an area of freshly dug earth with a naked backside sticking out of it. "Whaaa.... Why the hell have you left her arse sticking out of the ground like that?" Dave asked. "I need somewhere to park my bike..." |
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Post by sparacus on Oct 10, 2012 16:20:01 GMT -5
Its the way I tell 'em!
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Post by Bernie Fishnotes on Oct 10, 2012 18:16:45 GMT -5
Two Nuns are sat on a park bench when a man runs up, exposes himself, then runs away.
One of the Nuns has a stroke, but the other wasn't quick enough...
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Post by Doctor Dracula on Dec 28, 2012 9:29:35 GMT -5
"My wife's gone to the West Indies"
"Really?"
"Yes"
"That's nice"
"... she's gone to the West Indies..."
"Yeah, I heard you mate, let's move on"
"I MADE HER GO TO THE ****ing WEST INDIES! I mean, Jamaica!"
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Post by Bernie Fishnotes on Dec 30, 2012 14:27:37 GMT -5
My Cyberleader's got no nose!
How does it smell?
*clenches fist* EXCELLENT!
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